Pick a Team

     I was walking down King street the other day when I saw just about the darndest thing.  A dude, a bro of some sort, was strolling along with a Booster Juice in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. From the lit status of the dart I assumed he wasn't holding it for a friend.  Now it certainly didn't strike me as unusual that he was smoking, heck this city smokes like a chimney, especially the Millennials.  What was truly bizarre about the scenario was the dichotomy it presented. That's smart person talk for saying this guy needed to pick a team!

     Yes, this confused health nut needed to look at the contents of his paws and decide his fate.  The juxtaposition could simply not be allowed to continue.  It has haunted me ever since. Or at least it does whenever I see a Booster Juice (which is rare, tbh).  This man simply wanted the rich full flavour of a Du Maurier and the zesty, smooth smugness of a half litre of fruit juice at the same. This seemingly contradictory set of vices made me think of how often we are divided into camps, split up into teams, at times against our better judgement.

     The country seems to be more and more polarized lately, or at least so the media tells me.  And not just in politics, everywhere I look people are defining themselves by what they eat, what they listen to and what they think they believe.  Vegans.  Feminists.  Vegan feminists.  Anarcho-vegan feminists. (Yikes).  Neoliberalists.  Neoconservatives.  Secular atheists.  Progressive and Regressives.

     There have never been more teams to choose from than there is right now.  People, quick to align their beliefs, their attitudes, about themselves and others, with a crowd that already exists.  I suppose that is perfectly natural, like toe shoes, to want to join a group.  There is safety in numbers.  Always has been.  I'm no Anthropology post-doc, but tell me tribalism isn't among the strongest of evolutionary behaviours.  It's far easier to not get picked off at the edge of a herd if you're clamouring for the safety of the centre.  It's also easier for our little ape-like brains to put things and people into pre-existing categories, at least I think so.  It's perfectly natural to want to be picked by a team or want to be part of one, especially a winning one.  Look at Jays fans this year.  Maybe we need to start asking ourselves why am I on this team anyway?  The type of question Leafs fans never really ask themselves. I digress.

   
     Yes, it seems that we're marching faster and faster into all out tribalism.  Pick a side, choose a team, US vs THEM.  No room left for individuals who stop to think.  It's perfectly natural for us to form groups and tribes, and it's certainly helped keep us alive as a species when we left Africa in search of more food and better real estate.  The problem with humans joining groups is they tend to leave their brains behind once they join.
   
     Don't believe me? Well buddy, I was at game 5 of the ALDS this October, and let me tell you.  Ordinarily passive 6ix'ers turned into quite the unruly mob in the historic 7^{th inning} and I was slightly disturbed and a little shocked when the beers started getting hucked from the not-so-cheap seats of the 500's.  Would you ever consider throwing an $11 beer at a complete stranger if you were by yourself?  Sure, a few knuckle draggers might, but I would bet you the vast majority of people would hold on to that beer.  The point is, brothers and sisters, that we lose our minds in crowds and fall victim to GroupThink.  Few are immune and most catch severe cases.  Look at politics and what it does to people.  If one person carried around a sign with someone's face on it and a catchy slogan, you'd think they were batshit, right?  But put a few hundred of those crazies together and you've got a perfectly acceptable political rally.

     There's nothing wrong with wanting to be on the winning team, but I think I'll stay a Free Agent until I see a team worth rooting for.

The Champ is Here

 "Who wanna get knocked out?

   Who wanna fight Roy Jones?

   Who wanna be next? I'm knockin' your lights out,

   I'm takin' you right out, I'm winning this fight,

   I'm puttin' my belt on, I'm takin' my belt home"  

     A few moons ago, while at a less than top secret G20 leader's meeting, Dear Leader Harper took some direct vocal shots at a well known colleague.  His verbal victim?  None other than Comrade Putin, the West's (and NATO's) current Public Enemy #1.  Somehow, the Right Honourable Stevie Harper summoned the courage and machismo to defiantly scold the Russky Pres and allegedly told him "You need to get out of Ukraine".  Putin was reportedly not impressed, and I bet he wasn't exactly shaking in his galoshes either.

     As the event, which occurred in Australia, was not filmed, we'll never quite know just how things went down.  But this type of Alpha Male behaviour in high level politics does raise some issues, serious or not.  If we were to take away the militaries, the aircraft carriers (America has more than the rest of the world combined) and of course, the nuclear weapons, which country really has the toughest head of state?  Any way you look at it, the current crop of modern day dictators are a far cry from the Ghengis Khans and the Alexander the Greats, notable historical heavy weights.  Of the suit-wearing, platitude spewing bureaucrats, who would take home the belt?  Inquiring minds want to know.

     What if the diplomatic shit talking and sanction inducing chest bumping got out of hand?  How would the G20 leaders fare in a Royal Rumble where they'd have to fend for themselves for a change?  If these men (and women) are in charge of governments, economies and potentially militaries, I for one think it is vitally important to know how they would fare in hand to hand combat. After all, we need to see them test their mettle, not just their skills of bull-shittery.
 
     Let's start with Harpo.  Stephen Harper looks like he'd be OK at sports, provided that sport was wine tasting.  Don't let his supposed fascination with hockey fool you, the only time he's ever dropped the mitts is when he came in from recess.  The man isn't exactly threatening in appearance and you can bet he practised his Ukraine line in front of the mirror to work up his courage.  Leave the heavy lifting to JTF2, Stevie, before you embarrass us further.

    Uncle Barry, whether he's actually from Kenya or not, isn't too much scarier.  Rumour has it he stills hacks the occasional dart, so that lithe runner's body isn't fooling anyone.  He is a southpaw and likes to play basketball, but he strikes me as the type of baller who can't create his own shot and likely needs a screen in order to get open.  Even the mean streets of Chicago didn't harden this grey headed lawyer.  Nah, take away the $600 billion per year Military Industrial cock extension and he just doesn't strike me as being that harmful of a human being.

     British PM Davey Boy Cameron exudes slightly more physicality, but if you look at his pedigree, he's the descendant of royalty, so you know his upbringing wasn't exactly harsh, to say the least.  He seems like the type of guy who would start a fight with his mouth, but probably wind up going home crying with a bloody nose.  Rumour has it he enjoys badminton, but striking a shuttlecock hardly instills fear, unless that's the sort of thing you're into.  Hey, it's a free country.

     Host country Australia's PM, Tony Abbot, used to box while at Oxford, so that pretty much makes him a contender by default.  And just to show I'm an equal opportunity social commentator, German Chancellor Angela Merkel looks like she wouldn't take no crap off nobody and likely has a decent overhand purse to the head move to fall back on.

     We should all be in agreement that if a G20 donnybrook did break out, Vladdy Putin would be the last guy to look over his shoulder to summon his Secret Service Spetznaz or whatever those wacky Russians have.  True, the propaganda machine has portrayed him as a tiger hunting, F1 driving macho man but he was in the KGB and he does have a 6th degree black belt in judo.  This doesn't assure him a victory, but I'm confident Bodog and Proline would give him the best odds.

     We like to pretend we're a civilized, dignified culture, but when the chips are down, men are men and still have primitive monkey brains.  It's what makes us resourceful, but it's also what makes us dangerous when we think we're threatened.  Wouldn't it be nice to know what our heads of state are really like when fear kicks in?  

(source)

The Best Policy

"It's alright, there comes a time
Got no patience to search for peace of mind
Layin' low, want to take it slow
No more hiding or disguising truths I've sold"

     We're in that sweet spot of the sporting year, when we're treated to a double header of the playoff variety, with the agony of defeat, and sweet, sweet victory of both hockey and basketball to simultaneously entertain us.  One symptom of the playoffs is that athletes usually crank up the intensity of their play and the post-game, soul-searching honesty.  That is, of course, if they aren't mocking us by parroting meaningless catch phrases, which appears to be 'thing' now.  Anyway.  

     Faced with inevitable Game 7's, elimination and an off-season to ponder what went wrong, no athlete ever understates what is on the line, and to make an excuse becomes sacrilege.  After blowouts or narrow loses, any glistening, towel wrapped demigod, gasping for breath, mans up and takes the blame for their failures and never passes the buck to the coach, the GM, and especially never to teammates.  You'll very rarely hear a goalie complain about a lack offence or see a top scorer blame his team mates for not dishing him the rock more.  You just don't.

     Quite the opposite, really.  Athletes tend to be honest to a fault, particularly when dealing with crushing losses.  "We just didn't get the job done.  We needed to execute better.  We missed some shots that we need to be making".  No double speak to confuse the audience, no changing the outcome so it was a victory on paper, no blaming the playing conditions, the weather or the global economic outlook.  No sir, athletes have a level of honesty after losses that is refreshing as fuck, especially when compared to today's cream puff politicians.  Looking your way, Dalton "I will not run deficits" McGuinty.  

     And it's not just the Liberals, politicians of every party are all a bunch of liars and thieves, and do nothing more than pass the blame around like it's a dose of fucking herpes.  I have never heard a politician, whether they be federal, provincial or municipal, ever step in front of the podium and take the blame for any scandal, any budget overruns, tax hike or deficit increase.  It's never been their fault regardless of whether they tabled the bill, ordered the emails deleted or approved another crony make-work project.

     Nope, never seen a resigning politico teary eyed when leaving office for not getting the job done.  "We really blew it, I dropped the ball on that one, or, we need to do a better job with tax payer's hard earned money".  These are phrases you'll never hear coming out of the mouths of our Wonder bread politicians, who have a tendency to piss on us and then tell us to go out and buy an umbrella.  It's almost like they've practised these phrases in front of the mirror, or their henchmen, so that we, Joe Public, will be confused and turn the channel back to sports.   And I wouldn't blame anyone one bit for doing just that.     

     There is a stark contrast in the honesty that athletes choose during defeat and the vile sewage spit forth by the cornered serpents that politicians become when faced with their own lies, hypocrisies and vast incompetency.  Sport, in all its glorious forms, is far more popular than politics and that is for a variety of reasons.  One such reason is the integrity and honesty that most athletes bring to the fans.  If politicians really want to engage the public in greater numbers, how about they start with some honesty at the microphone.  Maybe when they they start speaking something with even a bit of truth to it, we'll tune in.

(source)

Major League of Nations

   

      "My boy's gonna play in the Big League, my boy's gonna turn some heads

        My boy's gonna play in the Big League, my boy's gonna knock 'em dead

        Ah, the Big League"

     

     The current state of global geopolitics is not unlike the realm of sport.  You've got bona fide heavyweight champs, team/countries that you shouldn't fuck with, and still others that are punching out of their weight class and a few that appear to be in a rebuilding phase.

     Having a sense of patriotism is also pretty much like cheering for your favourite sports team. Loyalty is cultivated damn near at birth, you proudly wear and display the home teams colours and pride is taken in victories, regardless of the size, and regardless of whether or not you actually contributed.  Even the now old League of Nations logo resembles that of a crappy CFL expansion franchise.  Remember that?  CFL expansion to the US?  Most people don't, because it was a truly awful idea.  I digress.  

   

     Geopolitics to most is about as interesting as picking pepper out of fly shit, so allow me to give you an update in terms that might help you better understand.   

   

     The Western Conference/World has long produced some truly great franchises/teams.  The UK dynasty that lasted nearly 200 years spawned today's undisputed front runner, the US of A.  The US completely dominated the entire 20th century, but ever since fall of '01, can't quite seem to get its act together, either on the road (Iraq '03-??), or at home ('08 Great Financial Crisis, or GFC).  The other, newer, expansion franchise built on the UK model, Canada, was consistently playing better than it could on paper, but recently seems to be losing steam and needs to return to its former style of play. Though Team Canada came through the GFC better than most, it looks increasingly clear they need to make some front office changes, or face a long rebuilding period.  They might have to look outside the franchise for a new GM, but that's just this observer's opinion.

   

     The European conference has been in shambles as of late, ever since they introduced revenue sharing.  A few clubs, Portugal, Italy and Spain are on the verge of relegation, while the Greeks are pretty much toast at this point, barring a trade deadline deal with perennial powerhouse,  zee Germans.  Europe's Northern division has been lead by the ever consistent Norwegians, a cautious but reliable squad that never gets caught playing from behind.  Iceland has really turned things around since '08 and is looking to make a name for themselves.  Pound for pound, they might be the best team in the world, but more on that at a later date.  

   

     Though they've been slowly rebuilding since suffering a collapse in '91, the Russkie's have steadily and until recently, quietly been re-tooling to the point where they nearly resemble the great Soviet teams of the '80's.  They are in the works for a huge deal with the Ukrainians that the League currently has under review.  Don't be surprised if this well coached and gritty team continues to compete for The Title.  I think they have a legitimate shot.  The Red's Pan-Continental rival, China, has been the Cinderella story of the 21st Century so far, shaking off it's Maoist heritage to become the other serious challenger to the American Hegemony.  Their momentum looks to be fading however, so who knows what tricks they'll pull out of their yellow sleeves.  Their arch-rivals, the Japs, have been re-building for two decades now and it is doubtful any surprises will be coming out of Nippon for awhile.

   

     Contrary to popular belief, North Korea is not Best Korea, as that title would have to go to the Non-Commie Dictatorship south of the DMZ.  These "Little Tigers" have been a pleasant surprise as of late.  India, as always, just hasn't played up to potential, though they could really turn it around if they can keep the pesky Paki's at bay and borrow a page or three from the Chinese five year playbook.

   

     The Middle East, the craziest division since the 1948 expansion brought the Jews their very own team, is as chaotic as ever.  Most teams in the division has seen significant front office changes over the past few years.  This Arab spring could also be surprising, with upstart Iran looking to really cement its presence.  Look out for a new division rivalry between the Persians and the Kingdom of Saud, and I also wouldn't rule out a new expansion franchise in Kurdistan once and if the dust ever settles.  Whether that dust contains radioactive fallout, well, that is still up in the air.  

             

     Africa's been the worst division for a long time and everybody knows it.  New franchise South Sudan still looks like a minor league team, as does anywhere that had a breakout of Ebola.  Nigeria looks like they've peaked and are now on the downslide and South Africa, who has long ruled the division, looks like they've hit a rough patch.    

   

     South America, quite frankly, might challenge Africa for the weakest division, with Argentina yet again set to fold unless they can find new ownership.  Smaller teams like Ecuador and Colombia can't quite string together enough wins, and Venezuela will likely remain in the cellar so long as their oil revenues remain low.

   

    The League of Nations is just like any other league.  It has a governing body that usually lacks a clue and is ineffective at actually governing (because of corruption), a few power house franchises that can do whatever they want because they have the money, rivalries that started before we were born and teams that will forever be in the basement.  Welcome to the New World Order, which is really the Old World Order, but with better looking jerseys.  

(source)

The GOAT for POTUS

"Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio, A nation turns its lonely eyes to you"

  
 The current apathy that Millennials, and to be honest, most of us have towards politics today cannot be overstated.  Voter turnout has dropped like a lead balloon over the past few decades and our "leaders" have never been more out of touch with reality and less befitting of the title.  In times like these, with the world powers slowly and surely beating the drums of war, central banks offering negative interest rates, global terrorism and Miley Cyrus, we need a steady hand on the wheel.  True leaders, not the pencil necked, corporate-speaking intellectuals that go on TV and tell us they have everything under control in Orwellian-doublespeak. 

 The days of the Dwight D. Eisenhower's and the JFK's are over, with vision and real leadership qualities as rare as a Dodo bird in the capitols of the world.  The fact that Americans gleefully voted in Uncle Barry in 2008 signified style over substance politics are now the norm and saw, in this writer's single-malt soaked opinion, the first celebrity president.  For someone who's job description might best be described as the most upper of managements, he was woefully inexperienced for the task and, quite frankly, it is showing.  The talent pool of corporate puppet J.D's who want nothing more than to live off the taxpayer while padding their resumes for a post-political career of $200k per talk speeches and the even more lucrative world of lobbying has shown to be as deep as a frisbee.  Perhaps we need to look to the wide world of sport for battle tested leaders. 

 If Jesse "I ain't got time to bleed" Ventura and Arnold can be governors of their respective states, I see no reason why Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr cannot be the POTUS.  His is without peer in the star factor category, has the stunning good looks to attract voters of both sexes and has reigned supreme over the last 15 years in the NFL.  Every Sabbath for the last decade and half, he has lead violent brutes onto the field and in the chess match/ballet that is the NFL, has come out on top far more times than not.  His back story of overcoming the depth charts at Michigan to being overlooked by NFL scouts and becoming a 6th round, 199th pick overall has built him a legacy that Joe Sixpack Americans hold as their nation's mythos.  Tom Brady could not be more of an American Icon if he tried.  His stupidly attractive wife and perpetual striving for sport immortality put him a class occupied by few.  His brain is his most finely tuned weapon, trained to make snap decisions in fractions of a second, while simultaneously avoiding being crippled by highly skilled and vicious men who's very pay cheque depend on stopping him from achieving his goal of victory.  I see this translating very well into the realm of politics. 

 He is a strategic mastermind, with the ability to look into the abyss of despair and come away with the all important W.  In short, he is vastly more qualified to lead men than most.  And lead he does.  4 Super Bowl rings, a near perfect season and the silence of virtually all his critics round out his, shall we say, impressive resume.  No stranger to adversity, his surgically repaired knee and easy demeanour at pressers would no doubt make him any political party's top candidate.  From lanky 4th string backup to the GOAT, the Oval Office could very well be his destination long after he is unanimously voted into Canton.

If we are to have leaders, let us have real leaders.  

             

(Source)